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Past Article of the Month Originally Published 04/08/2006
How to Cope with Mother's Day/Father's Day

Spring is here: the days are getting longer, birds are busy building nests, flowers are in bloom. The most beautiful season of the year, but not for those struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss. For with spring, comes Mothers Day followed soon thereafter by Fathers Day and it can be extraordinarily painful when it seems as if everyone else can celebrate except you and your partner. Indeed, these holidays may feel like symbolic markers of your reproductive trauma and the accompanying sense of failure. You may feel sad and angry, confused and overwhelmed. You may feel cut off from family and friends and feel sorely out of place. Although you may gladly call to wish your own parents a happy holiday, you may feel a giant emptiness inside you: you do want to celebrate, but as a mom or dad yourself. Barring moving to a deserted island, there is no escaping the advertisements for flowers and gifts urging you to do something special for your mom (or dad). So the question is, how do you get through this? Heres a list of ten suggestions to make these holidays less painful: 1. Avoid places that are kid-friendly on those days. 2. Keep contact with your friends or family at a minimum on those days if it causes you undue stress. 3. If there is a social event you must attend, you can leave early to minimize your distress. Create a signal with your partner beforehand, letting him or her know when you absolutely need to leave. You can excuse yourself with a bad headache if it feels overwhelming. Bathrooms make great private escapes if you need a break. 4. Spend the day with your partner doing an activity you both enjoy geared for adults (hiking, boating, going to a museum, attending a concert, etc.) Smacking golf balls can be extremely cathartic! 5. Acknowledge how unfair things are 6. Journal your feelings or discuss them with an understanding friend 7. Give your partner a gift in honor of the parent they will be someday 8. Give yourself a gift in honor of the parent you will be someday 9. Review your reproductive story, either by writing or talking about it. Give yourself permission to think about the alternative ways you can reach your goal. 10. Remember that your reproductive story is not over and although it is not going as you had hoped, it will have an ending that is right for you. * Back
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