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Past Article of the Month Originally Published 09/01/2007
When Your Parents Long for a Grandchild: What Do You Tell Them?

Most of the time, when you and your partner decide to have a baby, you share a special secret. When your reproductive story unfolds as you expect, the act of conception is a romantic, and very private occasion. When you learn you are pregnant, you share another wonderfully private moment with your partner. It is only after that, and often with great planning and fanfare, that you share your news with your family and friends. When you tell your parents the news, you may bask in the warmth of their joynot only that you are going to have a baby, but that they are going to be grandparents. You feel as if you are giving them a wonderful gift and it feels great. But what happens when you dont conceive as you expect? What if you learn that you must undergo infertility treatment? Or what if you have a miscarriage before you have shared your news? What if months and even years pass and you suspect your parents and friends are wondering, When are they ever going to give us a grandchild? or What are they waiting for? Do you tell them? Do you share the details of this most private part of your lifeyour sexual life, your reproductive lifeand if so, when, and how much, and with whom? There is no clear answer to these questions, no formula to guide you. Whether you tell people about your reproductive difficulties is a very personal decision, and depends, in part, on how you are feeling about your situation at the time, the nature of your relationships with family members and friends, and your general personal style. It is a decision that must not only be comfortable for you, but for your partner as well. You may feel reluctant to share your information about your infertility with your family. You may feel embarrassed, ashamed, or even guilty that you cannot become pregnant and provide that gift to your family. When siblings, cousins or friends have babies, you may feel out of sync, like you dont belong. Your anger and jealousy towards others who conceive easily add to your feelings of shame, and you may worry that your pain will dampen the joy of others who are pregnant. While these feelings are complex and very normal, they also serve to isolate you and deprive you of support during an extraordinarily difficult time. You may assume that others wont understand, when in fact, family and friends may empathize a great dealthey may even be going through it themselves. The quality of your relationships with your family members may also influence your decision about whether or how much to share. If you are close to your parents, and trust that they will be supportive, it can be an enormous relief to tell them. For one thing it removes the mystery about why they do not yet have a grandchild from you. It may also open the way to conversations about the financial strain of treatment; people are often surprised to hear that their parents not only are willing but eager to help in any way they can, emotionally or financially. It can also be helpful to have a parent or someone else youre close to available to attend doctors appointments, or to take care of you following a procedure. Telling the truth about your situation can make it much easier to decline invitations to baby showers or kid parties; sometimes a simple note explaining why you are not comfortable attending can help avoid hurt feelings and misunderstandingand guilt about not being there for your friends or family members special event. If, on the other hand, your experience of your parents is that they are distant, or emotionally non-responsive, it may not make sense to share with them when you are feeling so vulnerable. And, unfortunately, sometimes friends just dont get it on the level that you need them to understand. It can feel awful when you have discussed your problems with a friend, only to have them give you unhelpful advice or compare your situation with someone else they know. You may not want to deal with the reactions of your parents or others when you are already struggling with your own feelings. Finally, whether to share your trauma with others depends, in part, on your own personal style. Some people, by nature, are very open and verbal, and are comfortable talking about themselves with others. If this describes you, you not only like to share, but need to share your feelings. It is through your personal interactions that you process your emotions and feel relief. Others, however, may be more private or reserved. It may be difficult to open up to others especially when you are feeling vulnerable; you may prefer to process your emotions internally, or only with your spouse. Is there a better way to cope than others? No, whats most important is that there is no right or wrong in this. You need to do what brings you comfort and relieves stress, whether that means sharing or keeping things private. The decision to tell or not does not have to be problematic, unless couples disagree on what to do. Sometimes, the partner who is the source of the infertility is more reluctant to share than the other, feeling responsible for the happiness of their spouse or in-laws and fearful of being a disappointment to them. Often, if there is a male factor in the infertility, the man feels especially embarrassed, as if the medical problem somehow defines his manhood; as a result, he may not want to tell anyone about it. Some men are also less inclined to talk than womennot only with their spouse but with friends and family as well. It can be very difficult if one member of the couple feels a need to talk to others and the other person needs to not talk. If this strikes a chord with you, it may be helpful to consult with a therapist to help you work out a compromise. Remember that each of you is going through a trauma and the goal is to find a way for you both to gain relief and reduce stress, whether it is by sharing or by not sharing. Both ways are normal and both can work, depending on your own individual needs. * Back
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