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Past Article of the Month
Originally Published 11/30/2008
When the 'Most Wonderful Time of the Year' Is Not: Coping With the Holidays
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<i>It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

With the kids jingle belling

And everyone telling you "Be of good cheer" 

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year</i>
So the song goes. But when you are coping with infertility, or with a miscarriage, stillbirth, or other perinatal loss, the most wonderful time of the year feels like anything but.
It may be excruciating to cope with the all the festivities so often focused on family and children. Buying gifts can feel overwhelming, becoming an arduous chore rather than a joyous affair. You may just not feel up to going to an office party. The holiday dinners with family or friends may create tension inside you: should you honor the traditions even if you feel emotionally raw? Or should you avoid the celebrations and protect yourself from the exposure? Either way, you may feel as if you have made the wrong choice. You may feel too upset to attend an event, but if you decline an invitation, you may feel as if you are not living up to expectations.
There are no clear-cut ways to handle these situations; so much depends on how you feel at the time. And its normal to feel like attending an event at one moment and to change your mind at the very next. Its also okay to make a cameo appearance. Arriving late and leaving early will limit your exposure. Alternately, you may want to arrive early to spend time with your host when there are fewer guests, and leave before it gets too crowded.
If you do decide to attend a holiday party, talk about an escape plan with your partner before you go. It can help you to feel more in control of the situation to know you can leave whenever you or your partner has had enough.
It is also legitimate to create your own holiday ritual at least for the time being. While you are in the midst of this reproductive crisis, it is okay to break with tradition. Give yourself permission to go away by yourselves or have a private dinner at home. Instead of giving gifts, you can donate to a meaningful charity. Spending the holidays giving to others less fortunate can remind you of all you do have rather than focusing on what is missing.
Perhaps one of the best gifts you can give to yourself and your partner is remembering that you are more than your reproductive selves: you are both vital and capable people in so many other aspects of life. It is easy to forget this when consumed with infertility or pregnancy loss, but it so important to remind yourself and each other of your special talents and abilities. There may be no perfect solution to getting through the holidays, but it does help to know you are not powerless in these situations. Although this is not 'the way it was supposed to be', you can take charge of the most wonderful time of the year and turn it into a meaningful and emotionally manageable time for you and your partner.
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