Center for Reproductive PsychologyHome PageCenter for Reproductive Psychology Home Page
  Home    Publications    Articles  
Publications

Past Article of the Month Originally Published 01/01/2009
Theories of Grief: Why Grieving a Reproductive Loss Is So Painful

The loss of a baby is one of the most painful of human experiences. Because there is a fundamental, biological imperative to protect and nurture your offspring, having a reproductive loss makes you feel as if you have failed in the most basic way. Whether your baby died after birth or you had to terminate a pregnancy, whether you had a miscarriage or are struggling with infertility, the loss is enormous and needs to be grieved. How does one grieve this type of loss? The death of a loved one is painful indeed, but it is expected that your grandparents will predecease your parents, and they in turn will predecease you. But with a reproductive loss, when death comes at a time when life is just beginning, the rules are out of order. It is a loss not of the past, but of the future. Examining some of the theories about bereavement and loss that have evolved over the past century can be helpful; it can allow you to understand the depth of what you are experiencing and normalize the process. Freud, for example, suggested that after mourners have released their feelings, they must adjust to life without their loved one in order to form new relationships. It was postulated that healthy grief meant one should emotionally disengage from the deceased. In fact, if someone continued to have an emotional bond with the deceased, it was perceived as a sign of pathological grieving. But people do continue to have feelings for the deceased for years afterwards. Kubler-Ross proposed that bereavement happens in stages: first there is a sense of <i>denial</i> (this cant be happening to me), followed by <i>anger</i> (why is this happening), <i>bargaining</i> (if I promise to do better, then everything will change), <i>despair/resignation </i>(a loss of hope), and finally <i>acceptance </i>(this really has happened and life must go on). But people rarely grieve in a set, linear order, and more often than not, they do not complete a stage before moving on to the next. In fact, many report that it feels more like a super-ball bouncing around from one feeling to another and then back again. More recent theories acknowledge that not only is grief non-linear, but that mourners have a continued sense of connection with the deceased. Known as <i>continued bonds theory</i>, it recognizes that having memories of the deceased, feeing their presence, or saving meaningful belongings brings a sense of comfort to the bereaved. Rather than seeing this as a pathological clinging to the past, a new and transformed relationship can emerge. Continuing bonds theory supports the idea that while the physical relationship with the deceased ends, a new relationship, based on memories, is a part of successful mourning. But how does one form a relationship based on memories when as with infertility or pregnancy loss there are none? It wasnt that long ago that grief following a reproductive loss was not even acknowledged. Prior to 1970, losses such as a miscarriage or stillbirth were thought of as non-events: families were routinely told to simply get on with their lives and not dwell on it. Although this kind of well-intentioned advice is still offered today, reproductive losses, including infertility, are more often understood as being devastating events to the couple. There is now recognition that attachment exists between a parent and child prior to the infants birth. In fact, psychologically, attachment begins long before conception, with all of the hopes and plans that comprise the <i>reproductive story </i>(for more information on the reproductive story, visit the Reproductive Story Project on the homepage of this website). Reviewing your reproductive story with your partner or a therapist can play a vital part here: exploring your hopes and dreams of parenthood allows you to maintain a sense of attachment with your longed-for child at the same time recognizing what you have lost. It is not only okay, but also necessary, to tell your story over and over. Some people worry that if they dwell on it, they are being negative and will somehow jinx their next cycle, their next pregnancy attempt. Although it may seem counter-intuitive, by acknowledging the full extent of your loss and not minimizing it, you will feel better and have more psychological resources to get you through the next round. Balancing the hope you have for the future with the pain of grief is not easy, but important for you to heal. Next months article (February, 2009) discusses how and why men and women grieve reproductive losses differently. Understanding this can help your relationship, especially if it seems as if you and your partner are not on the same wavelength. * Back
Copyright © 2024 by the Center for Reproductive Psychology. All rights reserved. Please contact us for permission to publish. If you have a question, comments, or a suggestion for an online article, please feel free to contact us.