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Past Article of the Month Originally Published 10/13/2010
Decisions About Treatment: What is Right for You?

If you are reading this, most likely you are NOT where you thought you would be at this time in your life. You probably anticipated that you would be able to have a baby how and when you wanted to. And while there are many more options for family building these days than there were in the past, you may be very confused as to what is best for you (and your partner). You may find yourself believing that one course of action is right at one moment, and then completely rethink it at another. THIS IS NORMAL! After all, dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss is traumatic and there is no one way to pursue your dreams. Reproductive loss is an unanticipated and painful event, and leaves people feeling damaged and incomplete. You may also find that you and your partner are not on the same page: while one might want to pursue a particular path, the other may resist. Although it may be maddening and frustrating, this too is a common occurrence. The whole idea of creating a child out of intimacy and love has disappeared into a medical maze of surgeries and procedures. Part of the reason that you may be struggling with decisions is because you are grieving: You may be in the midst of grieving the loss of an actual pregnancy or you may be grieving the idea of having a child the old-fashioned way. Along with this you may feel the loss of control as you enter the world of reproductive medicine where medical staff takes over. Or perhaps you have come to realize that having a genetic link to a child is no longer a possibility. Whatever your situation, your plans for the future have been altered: no longer can you be carefree and innocent in your quest to have a baby, but you must make conscious decisions about what to do next, while at the same time you are grieving what you have lost. So how do people make decisions about IVF, or using a donor, or a surrogate, or adoption? How do you know what is right for you? One suggestion is to try on the different options and see how they feel. Imagine how it may feel going to a family function, now, in 5 years, or 15 years from now if you have a child or not. Is it worse to think about childlessness than an alternate means of family planning? If you decide that you do want to pursue having a child, what methods are you willing to undertake? What are the risks involved? What are the benefits? What brings up emotional pain for you? Your partner? Although the feelings around making baby are very different than decisions about buying a home or investing in a business, creating a spreadsheet of plusses and minuses can be very helpful. While some of your reactions may be purely emotional, others may be based on medical concerns, finances, or religious or cultural traditions. Knowing that no solution is perfect, finding one that fits the best can help lead you in the right direction. Researching your options and they weighing out the risk-to-benefit ratio can reduce the emotional trauma and clarify your thinking. It is important to give yourself some time in making these choices. Shifting gears can take a while; it is a process, which varies from person to person. You can also anticipate that your grief will NOT end just because you have reached a decision about childbearing. Sometimes these feelings continue even after a baby is in your arms. And while ongoing grief is a common occurrence, you may decide to seek professional help. When your reproductive story goes awry, the loss is enormous; it takes time to truly heal from these traumatic events. * Back
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