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Past Article of the Month Originally Published 03/02/2011
We Are Going Through the Same Trauma, So Why Doesn’t My Partner Feel the Same Way I Do?

There you are: two people at the hospital, or waiting to see your doctor, or just facing each other in the privacy of your home. You are both dealing with the same event, be it a failed adoption, a stillbirth, a miscarriage, or a negative pregnancy test. Of course, each of you has your own feelings and your own ways of coping with trauma and loss. And yet, you might wonder: why doesnt my partner feel the same way that I do? Whether you are in a same-sex or heterosexual relationship, it is normal that each of you copes with these events differently. Intellectually, you know that, but when your emotions take over, it is sometimes difficult to understand that your way of coping may be very different than your partners. You may both be grieving the same event, but each in your own unique way and at varying time schedules. Take for example the case of Helen and Rick. They had both taken the day off work and were anxiously waiting for a phone call from their clinic with the results of their first attempt at IVF. They spent the day doing chores around the house, coping with their anxiety by staying busy (here they were using the same coping mechanism to pass what seemed like an interminable about of time). They had agreed that Rick would take the doctors call; Helen felt too emotional and vulnerable. When the call came with bad news, Helen fell to pieces while Rick tried to sooth and comfort her, letting her know that there would be a next time and not to give up hope. While their reactions were different here, they both needed to hear the message that Rick provided, and there was no conflict between them. Later on that evening, however, Helen snapped at Rick for laughing at a comedian on TV. How could you laugh at a time like this? she cried. Rick felt horrible; the last thing he wanted to do was hurt Helen or be insensitive to her needs. It had been a long, tiring, and stressful day; watching a funny show was his way of releasing tension and zoning out. Helen misinterpreted his laughter as not caring, when in fact he was emotionally spent himself. These kinds of interactions and misunderstandings can take place many times in a day. And because grieving can go on for a very long time, it is not always possible to know exactly what the other person is thinking or feeling or what that persons needs are - at any given moment. Making assumptions can lead to hurt feelings, disagreements, and arguments. Each person has his/her own time frame for dealing with a loss. Some people may be champions in the moment of crisis (and fall apart much later), while others may need to release their feelings immediately and with full force. It is also normal to have multiple feelings exist simultaneously: at one moment you may feel numb, the next moment you may be sobbing. You and your partner may not be on the same page at the same moment. Remember, while people may express grief differently at different times, it does not mean that when they are not showing their feelings that the grief disappears. You and your partner are not clones of each other; your significant other is his or her own separate person, having a multitude of reactions to the same event. Talking about your unique coping styles, understanding your similarities and differences, can help increase empathy for your partner and guide you through these difficult times. * Back
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