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Past Article of the Month
Originally Published 05/02/2011
How Can I Get Through Mother’s Day/Father’s Day Without Completely Melting Down?
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The spot on TV advertises the perfect family: a young son and a daughter proclaiming their love, with dad standing proudly off to the side, as mom opens her treasured new necklace. It is Mothers Day, the holiday that can send you to the depths of despair when you are struggling to build a family. And like a one-two punch, you get to look forward to Fathers Day next month as well.
This might be your first year of celebrating these holidays while you hope for a child or you may have been through any number of surgeries, losses, and failed cycles. In either case, the reminders of your childlessness are everywhere you turn: you are still not a member of the parent club. Indeed, you may not feel as if you fit in anywhere. Close friends and siblings may be pregnant or have young children. One woman could count on one hand the number of childless friends she had left; every time the phone rang she cringed in expectation that it might be yet another friend announcing their good news. Family events honoring your own parents may be quite painful. Your reproductive story isnt going as you had hoped, but neither is your parents story. They certainly dont want to see you suffer after all you are their baby but they may not know how to help, and the awkwardness you all feel may be palpable.
So how do you get through this? Although your family will want you to attend family functions, give yourself permission not to attend if it is too painful. It can be helpful if you can talk with your family about your discomfort, but this is not always possible. Some people feel the need for privacy, and rightfully so. Finding a balance of when to talk about your feelings, and to whom, is essential as you navigate this difficult road.
In an effort to validate the pain of infertility, Beverly Barna, author of Infertility Sucks! Keeping it All Together When Sperm and Egg Stubbornly Remain Apart (Xlibris Corporation, 2002), founded a new holiday: National Infertility Survival Day. This day, celebrated the Sunday prior to Mothers Day, is in recognition of all the hard work, emotional and physical, that people have done in their effort to become parents. Use this as an opportunity to honor and value all that you do have, and remember the positive parts of yourself and your relationship. Although the journey to parenthood has not been easy, there are things that you can gain from the experience: wisdom, strength, and an appreciation for the fragility of life. This is truly a time to stop and smell the roses even while in the midst of grief.
Self-care is important throughout life, but especially at times when you feel low. It may feel odd to celebrate when you feel grief-stricken, but taking time to pay tribute to yourself, your partner, and your relationships with others can be healing. So, treat yourself, buy yourself some flowers, and know that no matter what, you will get through this.
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