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Past Article of the Month
Originally Published 11/03/2011
How Do We Deal With the World?
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How many times a day do you feel bombarded with baby stuff? Is it your imagination or are there suddenly more pregnant women everywhere? More commercials for diapers? More stroller parades on your block? When you are struggling to have a family it can feel as if it is in your face almost every minute of every day. It is not surprising that your sensitivity would be heightened to the ongoing onslaught of babies and their paraphernalia. You may feel on edge everyday waiting for the next friend or coworker to announce their pregnancy. And with the holiday season upon us, with its focus on children and family, and increased social activities, it can leave you feeling even more like the perennial odd man or woman out.
Your interactions with people can feel treacherous, never knowing when well intentioned, but insensitive, remarks may come your way. Someone at a party might casually ask if you have any kids yet, a relative might give you advice about the best ways to get pregnant, someone at work may tell you to just relax. After a pregnancy loss someone might say, It was for the best. But clearly losing a baby was not for the best. These words, meant to comfort, can make you feel angry and misunderstood, and may make you feel as if your grief and loss could easily be erased.
Because it is impossible to escape the world - short of moving to a deserted island - it is important to figure out ways to navigate through social interactions. It can be helpful to plan ahead of time so you dont feel blindsided. Brainstorming in advance and preparing comebacks for common questions or comments can be quite useful. Having a toolbox full of retorts can help you through awkward moments. This way, you wont be surprised, and can have a ready answer at hand. If someone asks if you have children, you can simply say not yet or were working on it. These brief responses get to the point and often end the conversation. Sometimes using humor can diffuse the situation. For example, if someone asks, When are you going to have kids? you can answer, Are you trying to find out about my sex life? That usually stops them in their tracks. If someone suggests that you would be able to get pregnant if you went on vacation and relaxed, implies that your infertility is all in your head and that you are responsible for it. You might let them know that you have a medical condition (if that is the case) that no amount of relaxation will correct. You can use this as an opportunity to educate others and let them know that infertility is a physical, not mental, illness.
A classic comment falls into the category of a clumsy attempt at consolation: My brother and sister-in-law adopted a baby and then, boom, she got pregnant. Again the implication is that your inability to conceive is your fault. Not only is their remark inconsiderate to your situation, but also it implies that adoption is second best. You can answer, Yes, it does sometimes happen that people have biological children after they adopt. But did you ever think about all those couples who adopt and dont get pregnant?
Sometimes these kinds of statements may make you want to lash out in anger. When someone asked, Have you ever thought of adoption? one client sarcastically answered, No, Ive never heard of that. What is it? It can help to remember the intent: more than likely the other person is attempting to be kind and reassuring. They often dont have a clue as to what to say or how to say it. If you focus on their wish to be encouraging while you count to five you can remind yourself of your repertoire of options before you respond.
One of the reasons that peoples remarks can zap you, is that you are in a vulnerable state. Infertility and pregnancy loss has a profound effect on ones self-esteem. It leaves people feeling damaged and broken. When you feel badly about yourself, it is easy to get thrown off kilter by seemingly innocuous statements. Creating an internal dialogue, reminding yourself that you have a lot of other things going for you, can help you heal from these wounds. Thinking about your strengths your intelligence, wit, talents, and skills can remind you that having a child is only part of your life. Emphasizing the positive in yourself can help you through these rough situations, help you deal with the world, and help you heal from this emotional trauma.
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