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Past Article of the Month Originally Published 07/02/2013
Reproductive Pioneers

By Anne F. Malavé, Ph.D.
One of the most difficult challenges for people pursuing the new assisted reproductive technologies is leaving the old and familiar territory of parenthood as it has been previously known and doing something different which can feel strange and isolating. This too often creates feelings of shame and inadequacy, especially when these reproductive choices are made after the failure to reproduce biogenetically and therefore the new pathways to parenthood started out as second choices. Additionally, these new parents often fear being judged or criticized by others for the reproductive choices they have made, which may be seen as selfish and narcissistic, in contrast, for example, to the way the general public tends to view the adoption option as altruistic and morally superior. I have found it useful to describe this process of adaptation and adjustment to the new reproductive and parenting possibilities as a journey, which necessitates a change of identity for these parents, which I call becoming Reproductive Pioneers. This term captures not only the expansion of previous personal, internal, and interpersonal boundaries, but also creates an identity that is positive and familiar. For everyone is accustomed to the idea of pioneers forging new borders and expanding existing territories. This affirmative and constructive change of identity presents an affirmative recognition as well as a direction to strive towards during this process of change and growth. In addition it provides for the essential experience of personal and interpersonal continuity. Indeed we all deeply need continuity. This need captures, after all, many of the reasons why people want to reproduce and become parents in the first place. Besides having unique individuals to love and cherish, having children creates powerful links between the past and the future; as such it has the enormous capacity to enhance personal coherence and social continuity. Having children is like joining one very big club with a tremendously large membership. A kind of worldwide web, all of its own, if you like. As a normative and mainstream developmental achievement, having children also builds societal cohesion and deepens roots not only to families but also to other networks. It provides membership benefits, just like any club, and acceptance and connections with many new people. Furthermore, in almost any social situation, reference to ones child/ren provides a safe, acceptable, and often instant entrance into a conversation. And it is membership in this club that feels forbidden and withheld when people going through infertility or fertility challenges are without children. We all deeply need to belong, and this is one of the perks of joining the parenting club. However, when alternative reproductive pathways are chosen, this often creates a concern to those particular parents and families that they will be considered as second class citizens in the parenting and family arenas. For society takes time to change, and unless other people have had up close and personal experiences with alternative families, then fear and ignorance may prevail. It takes time for individuals and social groups to adjust to the new shapes of families, and it is here that psychotherapists and infertility counselors can provide much greatly needed help and guidance. In the work that I do with the people facing these challenges in my private practice in New York City I find it useful to stress the inevitability and necessity of being able to adapt, and remind people of how important, indeed how vital, it is to be able to adjust to lifes challenges. Adaptation is, after all, central to our very survival, and can be considered to be at the very heart of being human. This recognition, in and of itself, provides a powerful link between what people know to be true about life, and the process of transformation that is involved in any alternative family building method. A process of psychotherapy/counseling can help people weave new meanings with old, as they layer on new developments to their personal narratives, in much the same way as any parallel growth in nature. Indeed all processing of feelings, all linking of feelings and thoughts, and all experiences of reflection allow for the creation of space for expansion and individual evolution. Finally, I believe that the professionals who work in reproduction carry a special kind of responsibility to help create continuity between all forms of family building in all of their contacts with other people, both professionally and also on a day to day basis with the general public. Here, mental health professionals, who are after all experts at joining with others in empathy and understanding, can help other people stretch their existing categories of families to find that which is the same amongst that which may initially feel different. In doing so, the varieties of family formations can be encouraged to expand to include the new shapes and forms. And in such a way there is an increased capacity for social continuity and belonging that benefits us all, including but not limited to the Reproductive Pioneers. <i>Dr. Anne F. Malav is a clinical psychologist-psychoanalyst who maintains a practice in Midtown- Columbus Circle, next to the TimeWarner Building, in New York City. Her main professional focus and interest is in working with people with infertility and fertility challenges and in all forms of reproduction and alternative family building. Dr. Malav can be reached at 212-787-1304 or [email protected].</i> * Back
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