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Our Dream Only Lasted Ten Weeks
I usually write very well and express myself intelligibly so I apologize if my story seems disjointed or not well written. My state of mind is not what it normally is. For many reasons that are unimportant, mainly a bad first marriage, I held off on having a child until this past year. I am now 40 years old. I finally met the man of my dreams and we've been together almost 9 years now but he is younger than I. A little less than 2 years ago, we finally decided we were ready to try to conceive. When we finally got around to "really trying", it only took us 5 months. We were shocked and elated that, on our 4 year wedding anniversary this year, I took a pregnancy test and it was positive! Our dream had come true but that dream only lasted 10 weeks. I went in for an ultrasound and found that our baby's heart had stopped beating. I had to have two D&Cs because the first one wasn't completed. I am grateful that I didn't miscarry on my own but the D&C "experience" is not one that I wish to repeat again.
Since our loss, my husband has dealt with his grief and is back to himself, sadly that is not the case for me. A friend of mine flew me to visit her in Hawaii to "get away" for awhile, which was very generous of her. While it was a nice distraction, I returned home just as sad and depressed as I had been when I left. I am experiencing one step forward, two steps back and now it is affecting my marriage. My husband is concerned that my depression is severe and not getting any better and he feels the weight of the world on his shoulders when he walks through the door at the end of the day. I have been unemployed since April and am now starting to get contracted work but he is fully supporting us and losing our baby has just added to the tension and stress. We love each other very much but my misery is making him miserable. He thinks I need to go on anti-depressants but I don't want to do that because I want to get pregnant again. I could go on and on but the end result is that there feels like there is no end in sight. I feel lost and when I was pregnant, my purpose was clear. Thank you for allowing me to share. I feel as if no one in my life understands.
— Julie S
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