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The Reproductive Story Project
Read a Story About the Project

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Living Through Infertility Changes You

Having a child is supposed to be your natural right as a woman. Or so I've always thought.

From as long as I can remember, I've always wanted to have children - at least 2, maybe 3 or 4. I was the first born in a close family of many cousins. I was the built-in babysitter for my own sibling. I have always been drawn to children and have been told that I'm very good with them. I think that is what makes this even more painful. The irony is to think that someone who has lots and lots of love for children, can't seem to have their own. It's like a cruel joke of God. After yearning for a partner and finding a wonderful man and getting married. I now have a life on the side-lines watching other people fill their lives with children and family.

My husband and I started trying to conceive shortly after our wedding. I always feared it might take a little extra time to get pregnant, so I wanted to start trying right away. After 8 months, I went to my ob/gyn. She dismissed my fears with "oh, you're young, just go home and relax, it will happen". After several more periods - for me, time is now measured in menstrual cycles - we started down a path of tests and drugs and crying with each and every period. It's been many months since then. We've tried seemingly everything. Chinese herbs and vitamins and relaxing and exercise and diet and anything we can think of. As I type this story, I can feel cramps starting again. Knowing another period is coming and another month of trying has failed is so deeply sad.

There is no way to accurately describe this tragedy. The hardest part is that since all this started, pregnant women and babies seem to follow me wherever I go. They sit next to me at church, they come into my office for a "chat", my friends call me to tell me their "great news", they are everywhere. All around you, constantly reminded of what you can't have. It's impossible to explain to someone who hasn't gone through this that you don't really want to hear about how "it was just so easy to get pregnant, all we had to do was be in the same room". How do you respond to that? And the few friends that I've shared with don't seem to understand that I don't want to hear about how "so-and-so got
pregnant and she wasn't even trying". I feel like I've turned into this selfish, ultra sensitive person. Maybe I have. Living through infertility changes you.

— Melinda C

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