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Past Article of the Month
Originally Published 10/11/2005
Coping with the Holidays
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COPING WITH THE HOLIDAYS
It starts with Halloween and extends all the way to the New Year. The holidays - so focused on family and kids - can be unbearable for couples that are struggling to have children of their own. Aside from moving to a deserted island, there is no way to escape this time of year, but knowing how to cope with the social demands of the holidays can help you get through them.
ALLOW YOURSELF TO CHOOSE
Should you attend a holiday party or not? Spend Thanksgiving with your family, with your siblings and their children? No matter what you decide, you may feel you're making the wrong choice. You may feel like a bad friend if you decline an invitation, but feel exposed and emotionally raw if you choose to attend an event.
Giving yourself a choice in these situations will help you feel more in control. Spending Christmas with your family may feel okay, but going to a Halloween party for three-year-olds may be too much to handle. Choosing which events to attend and which to avoid puts you back in the driver's seat and leaves you feeling a little less helpless.
There are no clear-cut ways to handle these situations; so much depends on how you feel at the time. And it's normal to feel like attending an event at one moment and to change your mind at the very next.
HELPFUL TIPS TO GET THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS
If you do opt to attend a social function, here is some practical advice and 'tools' you can use:
o Create an escape signal with your partner. If you are feeling overwhelmed it is perfectly acceptable to leave.
o Make a cameo appearance. Arriving late and leaving early will limit your exposure. Alternately, you may want to arrive early to spend time with your host when there are fewer guests, and leave before it gets too crowded.
o Talk to your host beforehand. If it seems appropriate and you don't mind revealing your situation, you can let your host know why you can't attend or only want to attend for a brief period. This allows you to take care of yourself while still feeling that you are being a good friend.
o Even if you typically love to entertain, don't host an event at your home during this stressful phase. Although you can leave someone else's party, you can't escape from your own house.
o Avoid shopping at peak children times. If you can shop when kids are in school or in bed, you may feel less traumatized. Also, try shopping on-line, especially for toys or other kid items. That way you can avoid being overwhelmed by young children and their parents.
o Finally, you and your partner may decide to create your own holiday ritual. Many couples choose to go away or opt to have a private dinner at home.
There may be no perfect solution to getting through these times, but it does help to know you are not helpless in these situations and that you can exercise some degree of control.
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