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Past Article of the Month
Originally Published 09/12/2006
COPING WITH YOUR LOSS
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Meeras miscarriage occurred four months ago; she lost the baby at 11 weeks. Because this was just her first pregnancy and she is young, her doctor reassured her that these things happen, that she should move on, and that its for the best. Her mother, her best friend, and her husband all said the same thing; in fact, her husband was ready to try again two months ago. The trouble is, Meera cant move on. She cant believe all this has happened to her. She keeps the ultra sound picture on her bedside table and she cries every night. At first, her husband was worried, but now hes frustrated with her feeling sad all the time. She wonders what is wrong with her that she cant seem to get over it.
The fact is that nothing is wrong with her. Despite what others are saying, Meera is having a natural and understandable grief reaction to the unexpected, and therefore traumatic, loss of her pregnancy, of her baby. Why this kind of loss has such an enormous emotional impact has to do with what we call the reproductive story: our hopes, dreams, and plans of what it will be like to be a parent some day.
The problem for Meera is that although her doctor emphasized that miscarriage occurs in 20% of pregnancies, she had loved this baby long before it was even conceived. She had visions and dreams of becoming a mom when she was just a child herself. She had even become a teacher so she could have summers off to be with her children. No wonder the miscarriage was so devastatingnot only did she lose her baby, she had lost her reproductive story. Having a miscarriage clearly was not supposed to be part of it. No wonder she was so traumatized.
Whenever you suffer an adverse reproductive event, whether it is a pregnancy loss, infertility, or a premature or complicated birth, you experience both a loss and a trauma. You suffer multiple layers of loss, some of which are not tangible and therefore harder to grieve. In addition to the physical loss of pregnancy and birth, these losses include: loss of control, loss of a sense of belonging to your peer group, many of whom may be pregnant or have babies, loss of a sense of being healthy and normal, loss of your hopes for the future. In essence, you have lost your original reproductive story.
There are also what we call losses of opportunity when a reproductive trauma occurs: the opportunity to feel like youre moving forward in your life, the opportunity to feel like an equal to your parents as an independent adult, the opportunity to provide a grandchild, and the opportunity to fulfill the human need to leave something of yourself for the future. Although all of these adult goals can be achieved in many ways, having a baby is often the most concrete way to accomplish them. When reproduction is disrupted, the loss of these opportunities adds to the sense of trauma.
Reproductive trauma and loss need to be grieved like any other loss. You may feel shock, denial, anger and sadness all at once. You may find yourself arguing more with your spouse or feeling conflict at work. You may feel envious of friends who are pregnant, and you may have trouble attending baby showers or other events you would otherwise enjoy. It may seem like everyone in the world is pregnant. You may worry you are going crazy, but you are not. You are experiencing normal grief and as you work through the trauma and loss, you will begin to feel better. No one ever fully gets over a reproductive loss; after all, you cant undo what has happened to you. But with time and processing, you will be able to rewrite your reproductive story and build your family in whatever way makes sense to you and your partner.
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