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Past Article of the Month Originally Published 11/02/2007
The Holidays and Your Reproductive Story

When you are struggling to have a child, the holidays starting with Halloween and extending all the way to the New Year can be unbearable. The focus is so much on family and children that you may feel as if you would prefer to be on a deserted island, rather than in the midst of all the festivities. Your reproductive story all the hopes and dreams about what it will be like to be a parent may be integrally tied to the holidays: remembering events from your own childhood, and the rituals you treasure and want to pass on. Knowing how to cope with the social demands of the holidays can help you get through them, but also creating your own traditions while you are in the midst of this reproductive crisis can be an enormous relief. ALLOW YOURSELF TO CHOOSE Should you attend a holiday party or not? Spend Thanksgiving with your family, with your siblings and their children? No matter what you decide, you may feel youre making the wrong choice. You may feel like a bad friend if you decline an invitation, but feel exposed and emotionally raw if you choose to attend an event. Giving yourself a choice in these situations will help you feel more in control. Spending Christmas with your family may feel okay, but going to a Halloween party for three-year-olds may be too much to handle. Choosing which events to attend and which to avoid puts you back in the drivers seat and leaves you feeling a little less helpless. There are no clear-cut ways to handle these situations; so much depends on how you feel at the time. Its normal to feel like attending an event at one moment and to change your mind at the very next. Complicating the matter, your partner may feel differently than you do about which event to attend, which one you both need to go to versus which one might permit a solo appearance. One thing you dont want to happen is for you and your partner to be at odd with one another. Finding the right compromise can be challenging, but if you can talk it over beforehand and try to understand each others needs, you will be able to find a middle ground. HELPFUL TIPS TO GET THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS If you do opt to attend a social function, here is some practical advice and tools you can use: Create an escape signal with your partner. If you are feeling overwhelmed it is perfectly acceptable to leave. Make a cameo appearance. Arriving late and leaving early will limit your exposure. Alternately, you may want to arrive early to spend time with your host when there are fewer guests, and leave before it gets too crowded. Talk to your host beforehand. If it seems appropriate and you dont mind revealing your situation, you can let your host know why you cant attend or only want to attend for a brief period. This allows you to take care of yourself while still feeling that you are being a good friend. Even if you typically love to entertain, dont host an event at your home during this stressful phase. Although you can leave someone elses party, you cant escape from your own house. Avoid shopping at peak children times. If you can shop when kids are in school or in bed, you may feel less traumatized. Also, try shopping on-line, especially for toys or other kid items. That way you can avoid being overwhelmed by young children and their parents. Finally, you and your partner may decide to create your own holiday ritual. While you are in the midst of this reproductive crisis, you may opt to break with tradition. As you reevaluate and rewrite your reproductive story, you may decide to go away by yourselves or have a private dinner at home. You may choose not to give gifts, but donate to a meaningful charity or organization instead. Perhaps one of the best gifts you can give to yourself and your partner is remembering that you are more than your reproductive selves: you are both vital and capable people in so many other aspects of life. It is easy to forget this when consumed with infertility or pregnancy loss, but it so important to remind yourself and each other of your special talents and abilities. There may be no perfect solution to getting through the holidays, but it does help to know you are not helpless in these situations and that you can control how you manage through these trying times. * Back
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