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Past Article of the Month
Originally Published 02/02/2009
Gender Differences in Bereavement
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Whether you have suffered from infertility, had a miscarriage, stillbirth, or other perinatal loss, the grief you experience is like no other. You might assume that your reaction to the loss should be and will be the same as your partners. But if you have ever wondered if you and your partner have shared the same reproductive experience, you are not alone. The ways that men and women cope with these losses can be quite different. On an intellectual level you may understand and accept that differences will exist, but emotionally speaking, the differences in how and when you each express your feelings can lead to misunderstandings and misinterpretations of each others behavior.
So how do men and women differ? Grief, as we generally think about it, is based on a feminine model: women cry more and have the need to process and talk about it. Men, on the other hand, stereotypically react to loss through thought, not feelings. Men, by and large, are less likely to talk about it, avoid emotional displays, and use cognitive, problem solving strategies to cope.
Because men do not readily show their feminine side, it may appear as if they have not been affected by the loss, but research suggests otherwise. They may return to work and seemingly get back to normal more quickly than women, but by no means does this imply that they do not grieve. On the surface, it may appear that men are functioning well, but more than likely they are masking their devastation. They may work more, throw themselves into projects, undertake major home renovations, drink more, or feel the need to smack some golf balls and smack them hard! In fact, men often release the anger that accompanies grief through intense, physical activity. And by working more, they may be able to overcome the lack of control and sense of helplessness brought on by the infertility or pregnancy loss.
This behavior can be very confusing, as it may seem that men are being insensitive and dont care in the same way. One woman couldnt understand why her partner always seemed distracted whenever she wanted to talk. As it turned out, he felt uncomfortable because he knew the conversation would end in tears. Men often feel caught in this dilemma: If I bring it up, Im afraid I will upset her. The irony, of course, is that she felt upset because he was <i>not</i> bringing it up. His effort to protect her from more grief backfired. Once the couple understood the negative consequences of this dynamic, they were able to approach each other more openly and with more sensitivity.
People have individual timetables in dealing with grief as well, and this too can create tension and misunderstanding within your relationship. You may feel impatient if your partner is struggling with his/her feelings. When one person is more needy or more depressed, he or she may not be able to move forward as quickly as the other. Sometimes in an effort to counteract the sadness, the anxiety, and the sense of helplessness this produces, one member of the couple may dive back into life, leaving the other feeling as if there were something wrong with them. They may feel as if they are not grieving 'right.' Interestingly, when the sadness abates in one member, it may emerge in the other. Like a seesaw of emotions, its as if, by unwritten law, you and your partner balance each other out. While this can be frustrating at times, it can also serve to help one another through the rough spots.
If, during infertility treatments or after a pregnancy loss, you find that you and your partner are not communicating well, fighting more, and are on opposite sides of even trivial issues, it may be helpful to seek professional help. Grieving a reproductive trauma is not easy. These losses rock the foundation of even the strongest relationships. It is important to remember that most of the time the ill feelings and hurt are due to the trauma and loss you have experienced, rather than something fundamentally wrong with your relationship.
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