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Past Article of the Month Originally Published 08/02/2009
FAQ on Choosing a Donor

The use of donor technology can be a great option for couples unable to conceive with their own eggs or sperm. But choosing a donor can be difficult. While many questions can arise in the process, in this article, we will focus on the primary issue of things to consider in choosing a donor. Is it better to go with a known donor or an anonymous one? Like with nearly all aspects of the infertility experience, there is no single right or wrong answer to this question. Each option has its pros and cons. What is most important is that both donor and recipient are aware of the issues raised in this choice, and the potential risks and pitfalls. We strongly recommend that both donor and recipient seek out psychological consultation to make sure that everyone understands the ramifications of what they are planning and is on the same page. Being aware of the questions and fears allow all parties to address the concerns and work through whatever anxieties arise. So what are some of the pros and cons? With a known donor, couples have the benefit of access to detailed medical, genetic, social and psychological history. With an anonymous donor, you are limited to the information that the donor/agency chooses to provide. With a known donor, if it is a relative, there is the added attraction of sharing some genetic tie with the baby through the donor. Also, some people may feel more comfortable and trusting that the donor will follow the medical protocol and take care of him/herself if they know the person already. On the other hand, with a known donor, there may be an increased risk of over-involvement of the donor in the experience of pregnancy and childrearing. The donor may feel more invested in the parenting experience if s/he is connected both to the parents and the child. This can not only lead to competition between the recipient and the donor, but disappointment for either party if the experience leads to conflict or does not engender increased or continued closeness. With an anonymous donor, there is a more clearly designated boundary between the donor and the recipient. All parenting decisions belong to the recipients without question, and there is no risk of tarnishing a previously warm or close relationship between the parties. If I decide to go with an anonymous donor, how do I choose the best one? At the beginning of the process, this decision can seem overwhelming. Couples may be presented with literally dozens of folders of potential donors. Further, each member of the couple must sort through their priorities and come to a consensus on whom to pick. It can be easy for misunderstandings and hurt feelings to arise, if, for example, one partner places the highest priority on looks, and the other on intelligence or education. Generally, most people look for a donor who resembles them somewhat, and whose educational or intellectual background is similar to their own. It is important to recognize, however, that this choice cannot be made purely objectively. Sometimes, for example, a personality trait will stand out that the recipient especially identifies with, whether it is someone who is outgoing or serious or fun-loving or shy. One woman we know chose a donor because, although they didnt look alike, she liked the warm expression in the donors eyes. Medical history also needs to be considered, including history of drug or alcohol use. This may be a part of the decision that the doctor will be able to help with; there may be certain conditions that the physician feels should rule out a particular donor. Finally, a donor needs be a reliable and trustworthy person, who understands the importance of what she is undertaking, including an awareness of her emotional reasons for donating. This can be assessed, not only through a clinical interview and psychological screening by a mental health professional who specializes in reproductive psychology, but in simple ways such as checking to see if the donor comes to appointments on time, shows a commitment to the medical protocol, and has a support system in place to help her adhere to it (someone to help her with the shots, for example). Through it all, you must remember that, just as none of us is perfect, and no baby will be perfect, there is no one perfect donor. Many people may be appropriate choices, and if one you pick must be ruled out, there will others to consider. Ultimately, the goal is to become a parent, and to resume living out your reproductive story by raising a child. * Back
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