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Past Article of the Month Originally Published 02/06/2010
Parenting After Infertility Treatment

By Jana Frances-Fischer, Ph.D.
For many, achieving parenthood is the most significant developmental milestone in their lives. Raising children appears to offer the chance to nurture and inspire, as well as to create a connection to past, present and future generations. But is eventual parenthood different for those who have struggled with infertility and focused mainly on conception, pregnancy, and a live birth? Sometimes infertility's emotional pain and couple distress may not simply disappear after parenthood. Some new parents might be filled with gratitude that a long-awaited dream has become a reality. For others, parenthood, whether achieved through adoption, surrogacy, donor gametes or IVF pregnancy, does not readily erase years of pain, uncertainty, multiple medical procedures, undue expense and interpersonal strife. Since most people assume they are fertile, they might wonder how many children to have or when, but rarely imagine the possibility of impaired fertility. Think about how many years most people practice birth control living in fear of accidentally getting pregnant and becoming a parent at the wrong time. Those becoming parents after infertility treatment, might feel discomfort because they perceive themselves to be "older parents" than are their friends and family. For some, this age differential is a non-issue, for others, shame, inadequacy, and powerlessness are prevalent emotions. Parents after infertility have often experienced a different route: a long and taxing road prior to their childs conception and birth, not similar to the unspoken taken-for-granted transition to biological parenthood. Parents might unconsciously assume that their long awaited child will compensate for all the suffering they endured on the path to parenthood. In some cases, parental expectations for self might be idealistic." These high expectations can actually lead to very motivated and extra-caring parents. For most, they feel so lucky to finally have their miracle baby to love and raise. Often parents after infertility are very involved and perhaps even more appreciative of their children, regardless of their pathway to parenthood, than are those for whom it came easily or unexpectedly. When couples or individuals have gone to great lengths to become parents, the quality of parenting can, some recent research says, be superior to parents who had conceived children spontaneously. And clearly, the stressors associated with infertility are often replaced with new ones, inevitable for all new moms and dads. It is indeed a huge transition for most people, to grow into the new role of mom or dad and be able to deal successfully with each new developmental stage our children enter into. For many, a strong commitment to parenting seems more important than genetic relatedness or ease of conception for fostering positive relationships between parents and children. One woman who spent years undergoing infertility treatment said that when she first held her newborn daughter in her arms, all the years of uncertainty and deep sadness evaporated, like mist over the ocean, leaving a clear blue sea of calm and joy. <i>Jana Frances-Fischer is a licensed psychologist who lives and practices in Richmond, VA.</i> * Back
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