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Past Article of the Month Originally Published 09/01/2011
How Do We Go On Being Childfree?

Your journey has been long and hard. You may have decided to stop trying because youve depleted your funds, or you are physically done with medications and needles, or simply because you are emotionally exhausted. As you contemplate the remaining options before you, you may feel that you would rather not pursue donor technology or adoption. If you cannot have a biological connection with a child, you may decide that remaining childfree is what is right for you. But is it really a choice? It is one thing to have made the decision to be childfree without going through infertility or other reproductive loss. It is another thing entirely when the decision has been made for you. This is clearly not what you had hoped for. You may struggle with how to reconcile your feelings, and how to make meaning of your life. You may experience feelings of depression and anxiety; you may even wonder if life is worth living if you cannot have a family. Its vitally important, however, that you are able to take stock of what you do have and keep yourself open to other possibilities. It can be helpful to think back to your original reproductive story the dreams from your own childhood about what it would be like to be a parent someday to understand the depths of your loss. When people are able to get pregnant and have a child, they may not even be conscious of their story. Indeed, it is only when the story goes terribly awry that you become acutely aware of the trauma. To the extent that your initial story has been altered to be where you are today is the degree of how much pain you are experiencing. Because reproductive trauma which includes infertility, miscarriage, stillbirth, or other perinatal demise is such a significant loss, it is unrealistic to think that you can resolve it quickly. It takes time to process the sudden changes in your story, time to grieve your losses, and time to allow yourself to rewrite the ending of your original story. As with all losses in life, when one door closes, the opportunity for another to open exists. Again, it may take time to even entertain opening other doors for yourself, but as you process your loss by thinking about it, talking or journaling about it you may find that other options naturally appear. This is a time of great soul-searching: allowing other dreams that you have had to resurface or letting new dreams to emerge is part of the process of change. Although the losses you have had are significant and not to be minimized, the possibility of new and different paths to take can be exhilarating and fulfilling. Some people use this time to return to school and change careers. In a sense, this trauma can be used to explore a career or hobby that you had always thought you would like to take up. Many times people decide to pursue a new vocation that involves working with children. Others may find meaning in volunteer work: for example, tutoring or coaching can be very rewarding and satisfy the need to give of oneself to the next generation. One patient decided to become a Big Brother; even though he could not be a parent, he was able to nurture a child and watch him develop. Another patient opted to volunteer at a veterinary shelter: working with newborn kittens and puppies fulfilled her needs to care for a new life. While none of this is easy, reproductive losses can be an opportunity for growth. And while your reproductive story comprises a huge and important part of who you are, it is still only a piece of the larger story of your life. It can help to keep this in perspective and to value yourself for all that you are. * Back
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